It's not where your coming from, it's where you're going to

I feel as though I keep venting the same things over and over. Dealing with this pain has made me frustrated in so many different ways. One day I feel as though I have a grasp on things, and the next day I lose control. Who knows how long I will lose that control?? This loss of control is really upsetting me. Every person/patient believes they should follow doctors orders, they may have a rhyme or reason, correct? We all need to be able to scrutinize what is going on with our bodies, and doctors orders because they may not be for the best.

Obviously this new medication added to my instill is not doing the job. After 3 days I knew that, but it was being pushed onto me. Why add an anti-biotic to someone who is not prone to UTI's or bladder infections, and has probably NEVER had an infection? Luckily the nurse at the doctor's office told me to call tomorrow, since the doctor would be in, and I am going to be so freaking straight forward. I have been doing every freaking thing they tell me to, but it is NOT WORKING. I never thought I would end up at a pain specialist because of being a chronic pain patient, but it may happen. I have been doing so much research on things to bring up, but I don't want to have to wait for a week to voice my mind. That is why I am going to try and do this ASAP tomorrow morning. I am at the end of my rope. I feel hopeless, and defeated at times. I know that I will not let this control me, but it is easier said than done.

I wish I could just turn the clock back and things would change. I would go back to a pain-free happy person. I can barely sit up because of the pain/pressure in my bladder. I just want to hear a call about something that will work, something I would believe in. I have been having situations where I cry constantly because of this. I just wish the pain would go away so I could go back to being myself and work.

I have so many things on my mind: what to say to the doctors (and how to say it), where I am going in my grad school (sometimes I worry if this will just keep pushing me back), if my urologist is doing all of the right things for me, and how to keep this pain from coming back.

I am so frustrated. I feel like each day I am losing hope, faith, and myself along this journey. I am trying to be strong, but it is not easy when you feel as though you cannot leave your place because of sudden pain attacks that leave you on the ground screaming. I feel alone, and scared as though it is never going to go away. I want to succeed with my life, research, everything.

I just want to know where I am going to end up in the scheme of things.