Whisper Words of Wisdom Let it Be

A chronicle of my life, including the ups and the downs dealing with chronic pain and making it through graduate school. It is a way of bringing awareness to chronic pelvic pain disorders, two of which I have: Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. Many women and some men suffer from these disorders, but they are not well known. This is a blog about my journey with these disorders, and about life in general. We only have one chance, so we better make the best of it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

'Eventually We Find Our Way'

I don't understand why I am having an anxiety attack right now, but I have a feeling I know why. In all honesty, I am not stressed about work or school. I am actually happy with work, and things are finally moving on.

I feel I need to be more innovative with my research, but have such a lack of confidence that I will be able to come up with the ideas to make it happen. In the normal part of my brain, I realize this is not true. I have made it this far in my career, and have proven to myself and others that I am a smart person. I want to take my research in different areas and develop new compounds that could be cancer therapeutics, and I know I will do it.

I am stressed about my trip next week, not because of the flight or anything like that. I am stressed because I am going to have one bag completely dedicated to 'health related items.' I am almost 25 years old, and I have to worry about going through security for all of my items related to my bladder instills. I feel embarrassed going to buy catheters and broke down in tears at the pharmacy tonight. I have to do my instills while on my trip, along with watching my diet so that my time away is not spent in an enormous amount of pain. I'm scared. I don't want this to stop me from traveling or anything like that, and I know it won't. It is just a lot more to think about than I have before. I dislike this disorder and feeling fine for a while, and then just have those 'pity party days.' I have so much going for me and I do not want it to be ruined by this disorder. I am just fearful of having a pain attack while out, or the fact that I have to sit down a lot. I just wish there was that magic pill to take it all away. Maybe this is why I want to go into drug discovery so badly. I want to develop therapeutics for people who are suffering, doesn't matter if it is cancer, arthritis, interstitial cystitis, as long as it could help someone suffering from a chronic disorder. No one can see this disorder by looking at you, but there are days where it just eats you up from the inside because you are so scared to leave because of the pain. People tell me I am a strong person and I will get through it-I know I will, but when will I learn to accept it? It really is a back and forth process. Some days I feel alone in this, but I know it is not true. I have Michael, my family, and my close friends who have been there through every step of the way.

I know that this process of acceptance is not an easy process. I just hope I eventually find my way to my destination.

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