Thoughts through fog

I feel as though I have been seeing things through a medicated fog lately. Too many things for me to even comprehend, but I know that I will be at a point where I can try. Maybe I am at that point right now? Who knows...

I am ready to start anew, to go back into school and finish what I have started. I know that day will be coming sooner rather than later. I have been thinking about how things will be when I go back. Obviously, things will be odd, but I try not to worry about any of these things right now. That is just how things are where I work (at least one of the places).

I have more important things that I have and will worry about. I wonder if my health will go to a more positive state, or if things will falter as they always do. I should not be so pessimistic, but in some ways I cannot help but feel this way. This past year has been terrible, and one that I would not like to keep reliving. I understand that we can only grow from pain, hardship, and everything that comes with these things. I have had enough pain, thank you very much. I realize I have just had major surgery, so there is some pain that goes with that. At least with that pain there is an ending. I am trying to draw perspective from all of this, but I feel like I keep coming up short.

I feel like I have gained a lot of perspective just in these last few months. Something I did not believe would ever happen. I never thought I would have the opportunity to put myself in front of everything I found to be important. Not many are given this opportunity, but I do know of people who always put themselves in front of everything. That is another thought within itself, but not for right now. I have actually found this to be a summer of 'self discovery.' I have had more things running through my mind then I can even count. At times it is overwhelming. I thought that going through grad school was overwhelming, but at this point I think discovering things about yourself to be a bit more daunting task. I keep thinking that I write and think about the same things day in and day out. Feel as though I am on an endless loop.

I hope that things will soon shift to something more productive and less of a mental strain. It is so odd that one thing in your life can change a person so drastically. For some it is a job, love, new found faith, school, or illness. One thing. I understand that you should not let that ONE THING define you. I will not. It is a combination of things that should define us. Right now, I am going through that one moment, that one thing that is changing me. No one said it is for the worse, and I know that inevitably it is for the better.

Maybe these are all a string of empty thoughts, or questions that may not be answered right away. Maybe I should try to just LET IT BE.  Just let things follow through, and let it go by and try to keep note of things throughout the process. It is hard to let things pass you by, even if it is something monumentally important.

I will get through all of this, and hopefully gain the perspective that I seek.

Tonight's the Night the World Begins Again

A journey, a lifelong journey. No one ever said life was easy, and if they did they never actually experienced love, pain, heartache, music, and the inevitable ups and downs that ensue. Most would think that those people have it easy, but they really have not. It is important to experience life, because that enables you to grow stronger as a person. Each road we take may not be the same or have the same experiences, but that is what allows us to connect with a person. 

I have been going through an 'ultimate journey,' so to speak. Everyday I wondered why I had to suffer through so much pain, and not get any relief. So many times I have wanted to give up, and just let all of the bad things take over me. Everyone battles something in their life. Not many realize that some of our own demons are hidden inside, even when all looks normal on the outside. One may be going through depression, anxiety, MS, cancer, Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, back pain, migraines, and any other disorder that can be severely debilitating. 

I remember when I was first diagnosed with IC almost 2 years ago. I knew that I would have to make some dietary changes, but I never realized it was CHRONIC. Chronic is a terrible word. Since my IC has been on a downward spiral, I now understand what CHRONIC means. How do you face that you may have to deal with pain your whole life?? I never know when a huge flare will hit and leave me out for weeks at a time. I have never wanted to admit that I have depression and anxiety issues, but I do. As a result of dealing with my IC and other conditions, I realize that it is hard to accept the changes. I feel at times that I am losing a part of myself. 

Pain can obscure thoughts and lead you to a different place. Some days I feel so clouded by the racing thoughts that run through my mind. Each day I try to take it one thought at a time. Too many can really bring me down. There are days that I realize I need to take time out to do something to de-stress myself, or even bring me to a point of acceptance. It is going to be a long road, but there is nothing that can be done immediately. Learning is a big part of my life, whether from books or my own experiences. Learning can only bring me closer to acceptance, and also a stronger person. I have had to hear and face things that someone my age should never have to hear throughout this process. I also believe that I have been given up on by my current urologist; hopefully the new one will not give up on me. A doctor should not ever give up on someone. Never. I am nervous about meeting the new urologist, but hope should not escape through my mind, body, and spirit. No one should never feel that all hope is lost on them in that respect. 

Luckily the pain management doctor understands me and we are working towards a goal: MANAGE THE PAIN. Something my current urologist has not even tried. 

I am afraid of the future and worry for so many reasons. I know that there are so many things out of my control, but it is hard for me to let go of that control and let life happen. My parents have and always will be there for me, along with my boyfriend and his family. SUPPORT is a big part of getting through a CHRONIC ILLNESS. Not many realize that, but I believe it can make or break your spirit as a whole. 

There are days that I know I am making improvements. I know that things will not always be how they once were, but I am taking a different route these days.