This past week or so has been pure hell for me. Dealing with the lowest of lows and feeling that it is impossible to come up for air. Depression is not the easiest thing to deal with, especially when you do not want to even admit to it. Depression has not always been my biggest problem as much as anxiety. I worry way too much, but many people tell me that I have a reason to be stressed and worried right now. I always like to have a back-up plan, and like to have things planned out perfectly. After dealing with all of issues relating to my health, I realized I don't know how things are going to be from day to day. Some days I cannot concentrate, cannot breathe, cannot handle anything and everything around me. There is a yearning to turn back time and go back to when things were simpler. Turn back the clock and re-do it all. Change what needs to be changed, and see how my future would turn out. Of course, none of us have the power to go back and change parts of our lives. Moments in our lives are there for a purpose; to teach us what we have done wrong and give us a chance to grow from our shortcomings.
Right now I feel like I am having that moment to change some aspects of myself, and hopefully grow as a person. This past week was something that I dread going through, and felt completely worthless because of missing work. I realized that the reason of missing work was understandable. The pain was excruciating and my mind was not completely there due to hormonal changes. The pain made me scream for days, lose sleep, cry. Then I cried because I lost faith in myself, and felt that there was no reason to keep going on. Luckily my boyfriend was there for every rough moment, and kept my head above water. My family was there, along with friends.
Monday is a new day, a new start. Already planning a project, and my head is much more clear than it was before. I have until the second week of March to show who I am. I keep thinking about what would happen if I fail, or don't make it past that point. How about I ponder about what would happen if I do make it past that point? Reverse psychiatry my friends...
Whisper Words of Wisdom Let it Be
A chronicle of my life, including the ups and the downs dealing with chronic pain and making it through graduate school. It is a way of bringing awareness to chronic pelvic pain disorders, two of which I have: Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. Many women and some men suffer from these disorders, but they are not well known. This is a blog about my journey with these disorders, and about life in general. We only have one chance, so we better make the best of it.