Whisper Words of Wisdom Let it Be

A chronicle of my life, including the ups and the downs dealing with chronic pain and making it through graduate school. It is a way of bringing awareness to chronic pelvic pain disorders, two of which I have: Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. Many women and some men suffer from these disorders, but they are not well known. This is a blog about my journey with these disorders, and about life in general. We only have one chance, so we better make the best of it.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Thoughts through fog

I feel as though I have been seeing things through a medicated fog lately. Too many things for me to even comprehend, but I know that I will be at a point where I can try. Maybe I am at that point right now? Who knows...

I am ready to start anew, to go back into school and finish what I have started. I know that day will be coming sooner rather than later. I have been thinking about how things will be when I go back. Obviously, things will be odd, but I try not to worry about any of these things right now. That is just how things are where I work (at least one of the places).

I have more important things that I have and will worry about. I wonder if my health will go to a more positive state, or if things will falter as they always do. I should not be so pessimistic, but in some ways I cannot help but feel this way. This past year has been terrible, and one that I would not like to keep reliving. I understand that we can only grow from pain, hardship, and everything that comes with these things. I have had enough pain, thank you very much. I realize I have just had major surgery, so there is some pain that goes with that. At least with that pain there is an ending. I am trying to draw perspective from all of this, but I feel like I keep coming up short.

I feel like I have gained a lot of perspective just in these last few months. Something I did not believe would ever happen. I never thought I would have the opportunity to put myself in front of everything I found to be important. Not many are given this opportunity, but I do know of people who always put themselves in front of everything. That is another thought within itself, but not for right now. I have actually found this to be a summer of 'self discovery.' I have had more things running through my mind then I can even count. At times it is overwhelming. I thought that going through grad school was overwhelming, but at this point I think discovering things about yourself to be a bit more daunting task. I keep thinking that I write and think about the same things day in and day out. Feel as though I am on an endless loop.

I hope that things will soon shift to something more productive and less of a mental strain. It is so odd that one thing in your life can change a person so drastically. For some it is a job, love, new found faith, school, or illness. One thing. I understand that you should not let that ONE THING define you. I will not. It is a combination of things that should define us. Right now, I am going through that one moment, that one thing that is changing me. No one said it is for the worse, and I know that inevitably it is for the better.

Maybe these are all a string of empty thoughts, or questions that may not be answered right away. Maybe I should try to just LET IT BE.  Just let things follow through, and let it go by and try to keep note of things throughout the process. It is hard to let things pass you by, even if it is something monumentally important.

I will get through all of this, and hopefully gain the perspective that I seek.

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