Whisper Words of Wisdom Let it Be

A chronicle of my life, including the ups and the downs dealing with chronic pain and making it through graduate school. It is a way of bringing awareness to chronic pelvic pain disorders, two of which I have: Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. Many women and some men suffer from these disorders, but they are not well known. This is a blog about my journey with these disorders, and about life in general. We only have one chance, so we better make the best of it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

This Time Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I meet with my advisory meeting concerning my 'condition.'  Over the past seven days, I have gone through many emotions. I planned on writing what I would say, and came to a road block. What do I say? How do i say it? How much is enough? I honestly don't think speaking from a piece of paper is important right now. I realized that speaking from the heart will lead me in the right direction. There is no way to 'correctly' express what I have gone through, and there never will. Either they will understand it, or they won't.

How do you express to someone that you are feeling better? How do you express that you will not let anyone down? Most importantly, how do you express that you are a strong person? Everyone may have their opinions, but only I know the answers.  My stomach has been in knots pondering about the situation. The only things I can convey are my passion, along with giving people an education about what I have gone through. Who wouldn't cry about all of this? I know there may come a time in which I cry during this meeting, but it will not be out of weakness. It will be because now I am forced to think about all I have gone through, and realize I came out of it with my head held high. I fought each and every doctor who told me that there was nothing wrong, or that they could not come up with anymore treatments for me. Fighting me is never a good idea, mostly because I fight back.

I have and will continue walking around this long and winding road. IC doesn't define me. It never has and never will. I want everyone to know who I am and where I have been.

I remember when I was diagnosed two years ago. I also can never forget when I walked into my advisor's office and told him that it was probably "just some chronic bladder condition." He looked at me , fearful, since it had the word chronic in it. It didn't mean a thing to me, and didn't phase me. I finally had a name, and that is what truly mattered during that moment.

Now I completely understand what the word chronic means, and it scares me. Hopefully I will be able to completely manage it, and I am working on that. This past treatment was a bit rough, but I have been working my way through the pain and discomfort.

I will probably write more, but it will come at a later date.

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