Whisper Words of Wisdom Let it Be

A chronicle of my life, including the ups and the downs dealing with chronic pain and making it through graduate school. It is a way of bringing awareness to chronic pelvic pain disorders, two of which I have: Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. Many women and some men suffer from these disorders, but they are not well known. This is a blog about my journey with these disorders, and about life in general. We only have one chance, so we better make the best of it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Tonight's the Night the World Begins Again

A journey, a lifelong journey. No one ever said life was easy, and if they did they never actually experienced love, pain, heartache, music, and the inevitable ups and downs that ensue. Most would think that those people have it easy, but they really have not. It is important to experience life, because that enables you to grow stronger as a person. Each road we take may not be the same or have the same experiences, but that is what allows us to connect with a person. 

I have been going through an 'ultimate journey,' so to speak. Everyday I wondered why I had to suffer through so much pain, and not get any relief. So many times I have wanted to give up, and just let all of the bad things take over me. Everyone battles something in their life. Not many realize that some of our own demons are hidden inside, even when all looks normal on the outside. One may be going through depression, anxiety, MS, cancer, Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, back pain, migraines, and any other disorder that can be severely debilitating. 

I remember when I was first diagnosed with IC almost 2 years ago. I knew that I would have to make some dietary changes, but I never realized it was CHRONIC. Chronic is a terrible word. Since my IC has been on a downward spiral, I now understand what CHRONIC means. How do you face that you may have to deal with pain your whole life?? I never know when a huge flare will hit and leave me out for weeks at a time. I have never wanted to admit that I have depression and anxiety issues, but I do. As a result of dealing with my IC and other conditions, I realize that it is hard to accept the changes. I feel at times that I am losing a part of myself. 

Pain can obscure thoughts and lead you to a different place. Some days I feel so clouded by the racing thoughts that run through my mind. Each day I try to take it one thought at a time. Too many can really bring me down. There are days that I realize I need to take time out to do something to de-stress myself, or even bring me to a point of acceptance. It is going to be a long road, but there is nothing that can be done immediately. Learning is a big part of my life, whether from books or my own experiences. Learning can only bring me closer to acceptance, and also a stronger person. I have had to hear and face things that someone my age should never have to hear throughout this process. I also believe that I have been given up on by my current urologist; hopefully the new one will not give up on me. A doctor should not ever give up on someone. Never. I am nervous about meeting the new urologist, but hope should not escape through my mind, body, and spirit. No one should never feel that all hope is lost on them in that respect. 

Luckily the pain management doctor understands me and we are working towards a goal: MANAGE THE PAIN. Something my current urologist has not even tried. 

I am afraid of the future and worry for so many reasons. I know that there are so many things out of my control, but it is hard for me to let go of that control and let life happen. My parents have and always will be there for me, along with my boyfriend and his family. SUPPORT is a big part of getting through a CHRONIC ILLNESS. Not many realize that, but I believe it can make or break your spirit as a whole. 

There are days that I know I am making improvements. I know that things will not always be how they once were, but I am taking a different route these days. 

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