Fear

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, but it is hard to keep up with it at times. A few weeks ago, I thought about where I am in my life right now. If you would have told me me that I would have to learn to deal with debilitating pain every day, I don't know if I would have believed you. No one knows what changes are going to occur in our lives or where we may be heading. Some of us are already set in our careers, and married with children. Each on of us heads along a path, and think that it is a straight line, but we are usually just kidding ourselves.

I have learned to be stronger dealing with Interstitial Cystitis, PFD, fibromyalgia, but I can't be strong all of the time. There are moments of weakness that you cannot push away. There are many days where I feel so paralyzed with pain, that I am afraid to leave the apartment. I am afraid that I will be so overwhelmed with pain that I won't be able to get home. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I won't make it past this next committee meeting in March, and will be trying to figure out where to turn at the next light. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid that each day I feel like I am losing myself to disorders that have overtaken my body. I feel like I am drowning. How do you bring about strength when every day is a battle? A lot of days I am trying to be strong on the outside, but on the inside I am screaming.

I am a fighter, and always have been. My semester has changed, and I am teaching this semester. I am actually looking forward to it. I guess I just want to feel 'normal.' I need a sense of normalcy in my life right now. As long as this normalcy keeps up, then I believe that I will continue on the path that I am currently on. Luckily the hydrodistention done on my bladder did help, and has given me some relief. I just don't like the fact that I may have to have this done every few months. :/ Whatever helps though, right?